14 Years...

There are some things in life that you think you'll only ever see on TV, on the news. Like, war, planes being crashed into buildings, tsunamis, starvation...a bomb going off in the middle of a city. 'These things will never happen where I live...' And, for those fortunate enough, you can go your whole life believing just this. That tragedy is just a thing of make-believe, or, at least something that happens to other people, and not me. For some, you might go so long without experiencing any true tragedy or adversity, that you take for granted the blessed pulse of life that runs through your body and all that which encompasses your life. Does this make you a bad person? Maybe if you just take every thing for granted for no particular good reason. But, essentially, no. Though, it definitely doesn't prepare you for when that unexpected tragic moment strikes. 

Well, there was a moment 14 years ago today that changed my view of the world in an instant, and, forever. What is real, and what is fiction. There no longer exists that lingering ghost of naivety riddling my brain in these regards. Anything is possible. Tragedy can strike - Anytime. Anywhere. And, it did. 

I haven't told the story from my perspective very often. For those that were there, I'm not sure if all have heard my side. But, either way, here's my story:

24 May 1998. I was 17, weekend before finals my senior year. I was at church on Sunday morning. It seemed like a typical Sunday church morning. We had just finished singing praise and worship, and we had gone about our "fellowship" time, a short period of walking around and greeting people, etc. During fellowship time, I do recall a friend's father talking of something of concern. He had gone out to his car, and on his way back in the building, he was confronted by a slow moving vehicle with two people in it, younger, maybe 20-something looking males, I believe. It was coming down the alley that went along side the church. And, as it was passing him, the passengers of the vehicle gave her father something of a snide, malevolent grin, as if they'd been up to something nefarious. [This was more ominous than actually related to the incident...maybe. No one really knows]. Her father was concerned enough to mention it to a couple of people, but soon passed. Also, during fellowship, I approached the youth pastor to ask him about our lunch after the service. It was somewhat customary for this youth pastor to take graduates to a lunch of their choice close to graduation time; this was my day for said lunch. I asked him ever so innocuously, "we still going to lunch?"  By his facial expression, he, for some reason, seemed to be quite thrown off by my asking, replying, "yeah...why wouldn't we?" I don't know why, but this troubled me for a few minutes. I actually asked myself, "huh. why wouldn't we?" I got over it. 
After fellowship, we sit, pray for the offering, take up the offering. But, as we sat, bowed our heads for prayer, that prayer was interrupted; there was an explosion. Turns out that some disgruntled man with a beef with the pastor of the church assembled a pipe bomb of sorts made of a very large fire extinguisher canister packed with gun powder and nails and screws, and placed it between an AC unit and the wall of the sanctuary. Now what kind of crazy degenerate makes such a device and plants it outside a church on a Sunday morning!? More about him to come...
The explosion, it was...surreal. Confusing. One second, I close my eyes. When I can finally open them, disaster, hysteria. I should mention that, at the time, the youth group there was a fairly tight-knit group of friends. We all sat together in several rows nearest the outside wall of the sanctuary, the wall that the alley ran along. I was in the third seat closest the wall, only two of my best friends between me and the explosion. Directly, on the other side of me was my girlfriend. Of all the afflicted, most were young people. The blast itself was nothing like I could/would have imagined it. I didn't hear a thing. Just a blast of hot air over my body and a near deafening ringing in my ears. I remember thinking to myself, before I "came to," that one of the auditorium speakers must have blown. Silly, right? On the other hand, my dad, who was not at church, but at home 6-7 miles across town, recalled to me that he clearly heard the explosion from our house, and being ex-army artillery, he knew exactly what the sound was. 
Now, I don't think I was knocked unconscious. But, many others were. Upon opening my eyes all I could see was darkness and smoke. The air reeked of gun powder and was infused with drywall dust. The chairs in which we were all sitting that lined the rows near the wall were now a dozen feet or so forward of their original position, all in a pile of mangled metal and fabric. I lay on the floor. Dazed. Panic hadn't set in...yet. Just as I was about to lose it, I look to my left and see my buddy. He's on his knees, rocking back and forth as he hold his girlfriend's hand who lay on the ground next to him [I assume] unconscious, and he's saying, calmly, "it's going to be alright, everything is going to be alright..." And, I guess I believed him. I remained calm. Whether from shock, or, whatever, he says he doesn't remember that. But, it may have been the only thing that made me keep my cool. Immediately after, upon gathering about my wits, my first thought - my girlfriend. She was just sitting next to me. And, now, I don't know where. I scoured the sanctuary. I see her. She's several feet in front of me laying on the ground seemingly lifeless. I scurry over to her, crawling quickly on my hands and knees. I sit, grab her, and take her up into my arms. And, as she roll over into me, I notice the blood, a waterfall of blood pouring from the back of her head. I immediately attempt to apply pressure to the wounds, but it didn't seem to help. You want to talk about fear? At that moment, I never felt so helpless, as the girl that I loved [at least, thought I loved, at the time, well, cared about deeply, nonetheless...] I believed was dying, if not already dead, in my arms. I can't recall how long I held her. I know now that it's true, that in these moments, time can stand still and an eternity can pass in the blink of an eye all at once. It's as if all concept of time is lost. I have no idea how long she lay in my arms. But, suddenly, before I could utter a syllable, her dad comes and swoops her up from my arms. In an instant, she's gone...possibly forever. At this point, I'm still conscious and aware of my surroundings, but suffering from a hint of shock, obviously, and sadness. I stand up, somewhat frantically begin looking for my girlfriend. I'm turning about looking in every direction I can see in, but, she's gone. I was scared for her. In my searching about the sanctuary, I see one of my best friends, laying on his back, not moving, blood pouring from the side of his head with a couple people tending to him. I think he's dead. One of the gentlemen assisting him hands me a white cloth pocket square. I continue on. I look up and see another buddy. He's up and walking around, but clearly in a total daze. I see him approach the side emergency door of the sanctuary, he's ok. But, he doesn't remember walking around, at least not at the time. Eventually, I make my way to the back, out the main doors. A couple women see me in passing, look at my face, and cry and cringe, not from disgust, but of fear. I pass by a mirror. So, I stop and look. The entire left side of my face is, what I can only assume now, flash burned and cut, and my left eye has, well, imploded. I couldn't even see the center of my eye. All the blood vessels in my eye had burst from the concussion of the explosion, the white of my eye folding over the cornea. I wasn't able to see from my eye and didn't realize it until I saw myself in the mirror. 
At this point, I'm still not sure I realize exactly what is going on. I exited the building to the parking lot where all the other parishioners had gathered. An ambulance had shown up, not sure who was taken first. I finally run into my grandmother. It was quickly off to the hospital from there. If things weren't bad enough, I get a nurse that doesn't even know how to put an IV in correctly. Sticks me four times before he gets it right, the third time nicked the vein in my forearm and my forearm swelled up almost twice it's size before he decides that he's made a mistake and I'm not just some big wuss complaining because my arm is about to explode. From there I was transferred to a hospital about 30 miles away by ambulance; there was not an eye specialist at the local hospital. I'm taken to a general care area of the emergency room. My family meets me there. My father comes. He's scared, but remaining strong for my sake. He steps away for a moment to talk to the doctor, and only now, in this time alone in a curtained off section of the hospital do I almost completely lose it, and panic. I didn't want to be left alone. i couldn't see anyone, hear anyone. But, my dad came back...just in time. He brings my clothes in a paper bag. I open it to look at them - the wretched stench of gun powder permeated the air and the clothes were blood soaked from collar of shirt to cuff of pant. And, not with my blood. Her blood. But, while at the hospital I learn my girlfriend is alive, but very critical. Another good friend, she suffered from severe head injuries as well, alive, but critical. A third female friend, the one that sat closest the wall, she inflicted a wound the size of a softball, blasted through the back of her chair into her back, all the way to her lung. Again, critical. 
I sit here, typing this to you, with two fully functional eyes. Well, I mean, I wear correctional lenses, but not because of this. And, all of my friends, and all the fellow churchgoers, they are alive and well. Even the extremely elderly man who stood closest the wall awaiting his time to pass the offering basket down the aisle after prayer. He was quoted as complaining about getting his shoes dirty, something like that. He was a nice old man. And, some of us are married now, and have children. Anyway, no one died. Amazing. Well, I should correct myself when I said 'no one' died. A few days later, remember the crazy degenerate? The man that supposedly assembled the bomb and placed it outside our church? Well, he blew up himself, and his dog, in his garage while [again] supposedly assembling another explosive device. Oh well. Good riddance. Just too bad the dog got it, too.
I have read several of my friends' posts on Facebook today. I wish I could join some of them in praising God, etc. But, I label myself something of an Agnostic these days. Actually, I don't know what you'd call it. I just think that "God" may have been here at some point, maybe, and maybe had a hand in why we're here, etc. Or, maybe not at all. But, if so, I don't think he/she/it/marklar is here now. Not watching, not listening, answering prayers. Or, if "God" is still here, it's not what we think it is. The only thing I know exists is the spirit of life that is shared amongst all things living and the strength of our own individual and cumulative will to change the world around us, tangibly and intangibly, the physical and metaphysical. Look down on me, persecute my beliefs (or, lack there of...), that's fine. My mind is open and free, and there it will stay. And, you know, to be honest, I find myself, in this particular situation, more thankful for ignorance - the fact that whoever placed the bomb didn't know more about bomb placement...and physics, and I think the ATF guys will back me up on that one. Not saying that people couldn't have died or been more seriously injured that day, but, this made a big difference that day. And, who knows, maybe that was the hand of God at work...maybe. 
Anyway. That is my story, my tragedy. And, I'm forever thankful for my life, for the lives of every person there that day, and any other that may have been affected by these turn of events. This, with the loss of a dear loved one, and now the gift of life - a baby girl - all these (and more...) together remind me that I will not take even a single breath, not a moment of life for granted, but, do my best to flourish, better myself, help others - to live, happily...hopefully for at least another 14 years.

Good night.

Plans

"Everyone has a plan until they've been hit." -Joe Louis, Boxer

At some point in every person's life, plans are made. They could be short-term, long-term, temporary, daily, yearly...you get where I'm going. Plans come in all manner of arrangement. But, there is one thing that I've found certain in this life in regard to plans - life rarely allows plans to carry out as originally devised. 

Most times when life takes an unexpected turn or our plans are outright thwarted, we may not take notice. Or, if we do, that which has foiled our endeavors is not so much that we can't simply enough make a minor adjustment or two to 'the plan,' sometimes without much additional thought, then, continue on the same projected or mostly similar path. But, sometimes, just some times, there are instances in our lives where the universe seems to entirely plot and scheme against us. Here we are, just going about our days, carefully formulating, or casually contemplating, our next step, or steps, stages, phases of our life, then, in steps the universe, in whatever form it may be taking at the time - a misplaced set of keys, a fender-bender on the way to our destination, an untimely death in the family, or...the love of your life, and, BAM!...life is never the same.

Unfortunately, these unexpected changes are not always positive. However, we must always consider that a temporary negative setback can, at times, possibly be the diminuendo preceding the glorious crescendo, a segue into the next resplendent movement. Life suddenly transforms from average, forgettable B-side track to august symphony. Your every step is accompanied by a personalized soundtrack. And, tomorrow, it suddenly has reason. But, in the case of the other 'at times,' life may just continue to be and/or go to shit. And, so is life.

Fortunately, for me, I was one of the lucky ones. Here is my story...

Almost six years ago, I made a decision to join the Navy. Just one day, bored with life, out of the blue, I thought, "how can I do something more meaningful and exciting with my life?". So, I preceded to scour the web for ideas. "What are some things I WANT out of life?". Something new, of course. Meet some new people. Continue my education. Always wanted to learn another language. See the world - Travel. TRAVEL. TRAAAAAAVEL! As "fate" would have it, I stumbled upon the Navy website. And, the Navy offered me ALL of this. They even had a program where my job would be to learn another language! Amazing! I was pretty much sold from that moment. But, I did something that I wasn't known well for doing at that phase in my life - I thought about it...for like a month. I talked to the recruiter a couple times (luckily I got a pretty standup guy that didn't lie to me). I emailed my uncle [recently retired Commander of 22 years] several times over the course of that month. All in all, it seemed to be a good choice. So, I signed up.

Plans. My "plan" was get the most out of my required six years - learn my language, get the Navy to pay for my education, get out of debt, save all the money I possibly could in that six years, and let the Navy send me to the ends of the Earth and back on their dime. I should also add that upon exiting the one term I planned on spending with the Navy, I wanted to continue traveling. Maybe live abroad for a short period of time...or indefinitely. This would mean not getting tied down. I wasn't against the idea of dating and having some fun. But, committing myself to one person, thing, idea, was NOT part of "the plan." 

Well, let me just say up front, I did get myself out of approximately $15K of cumulative debt, entirely, by the time I got out of language school, of which I am very proud of myself. And, I still managed to enjoy my time thoroughly. Also, I did learn my language, and I learned it well.

Things I did not accomplish: 

-Continue my education. I did have a little bit of college under my belt upon joining. This, combined with credit for language training, I did get an AA for my language. But, still haven't let the Navy pay toward my BA/BS...

-Travel. Probably my number one reason for joining the Navy. I lived in Maryland before I joined the Navy. From there, I went to bootcamp...in Illinois...where I grew up. Strike one. I was fortunate enough to go to Monterey, CA for a year an a half. Not complaining. Then, three years in Augusta, GA. Eh. And, now, where do I end up? Wait for it...........Maryland. The same area of Maryland in which I lived prior to the Navy. All the promises of seeing the world, or at least some far-off region of the world I had yet to set foot, have yet to be fulfilled. FAIL.

-Staying Single. If my grand plan was to come to fruition, I would need to maintain a "single" status throughout my stay with the Navy. My only commitment - commit to the plan. Save money, exit Navy, see world. Plain and simple. And, fortunately, I couldn't even get that right.

You see, somewhere along the way, a certain wily minx, whom I DID NOT like upon first meeting (more on that later...), managed to craftily wear down my defenses, penetrate the fortified walls that contained my very soul, and...ruin everything! This young lady, she entered my life in the most unexpected of ways. And, though, I tried my best to fight it, to listen to my logic, my flawless reason, and ignore only that which my pants....Uh, I mean, my 'heart' [...or underlying good sense] could recognize, my best efforts were rendered futile.

She has since given me a new perspective on life. She has afforded my life new meaning. She has, simply, changed my life. She is my life. And, most recently, we have together made a new life. And, it is beautiful.

Sometimes I think about my life and what it would be like if I hadn't have let this person into my life, if I hadn't diverted from "the plan." In a few months, I would be leaving the Navy to begin a new adventure; where would I be? Who would I have met? To which lands would I have travelled? This used to be my heart's desire. To see the world was the inspiration which drove me to move on with and change my life. And, it has since been replaced by something much greater. Something so much more magnificent and satisfying that I would have to write many more pages to express in words. And, though, in my most basic human nature, I think about "what might have been...", I never think, "I wish I could go back and......"

So, whereas I totally support making 'plans', especially those that will help secure a better future for one's self and/or family, or those that may take you to the ends of the world, or better, the universe, still, I encourage, I urge...I advise - diverge. Take a break every now and then. Go left instead of right. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Take the occasional side road instead of the highway just because it's the fastest way there. Stop and talk to a stranger or an estranged friend or relative. Wake up, stick 'the plan' in a drawer, and say, 'I plan to do something different today.' Essentially, look to the future, but stay open. Sometimes life calls for a free-spirited, extemporaneous captain. So, hold loose the reigns. Don't wear blinders. Use your roadmap simply as a guide and not life-defining scripture. Don't miss opportunity for the sake of suitability. You may miss out on the time of your life. Or, in my case, miss out on a wonderful life and the new life it has given. 

Tiny Passengers

So. I know I'm not the only person who has ever thought this. Or, at least I can't imagine I am. I'll explain - bear with me.


As I mentioned in my first post, I often think about life, the universe, etc. It's just something I do. I can't help but consider all the possibilities that could explain this life as we know it. If you just accept life on Earth just as it is, it almost seems too...simple. Don't get me wrong, life is amazing and so complex. Who knows. Maybe I'm just searching for a different explanation for the same reason I'm so intrigued by the supernatural and conspiracy and the like.


Anyway. I saw this picture today - http://i.imgur.com/moWge.jpg. Now, when you first look at it, you're probably going to think (...unless you're some kind of science junkie) that this is a picture of a canyon of some sort, either somewhere here on Earth or some other observable planet. But, I will tell you, you are wrong. This is what a micro-crack in a piece of steel looks like under an electron microscope. Crazy right!? This got me thinking (just like all the other millions of times I've thought about this...) that it's strange how life seems too mimic itself on so many levels. For example, this picture. From our normal perspective through our normal eyesight, a piece of steel, well, looks like steel. But, when you look closely, it becomes something totally different. A whole new, [possibly] undiscovered world.  Much like a view of the Earth from a distance, it appears to be just a big blue ball with some green and brown splattered about. But, when you look up close, there are mountains, and rivers, canyons, islands. And, even closer - buildings, cars, animals, people. And, much, much closer - cells, molecules, atoms. And, so forth. 


My original thought here, the reason for this post is - what if the universe as we know and are able to see it are part of a much larger being or object? The way I see it is, the Earth [and other planets] is like an electron circling the nucleus [the Sun, or stars, in general...] of an atom [Solar Systems] and each solar system is part of the greater cell or molecule [galaxies] and each galaxy makes up the even greater, complex being or object [the universe]...? And, the mysterious 'dark matter' that fills most of the gap between galaxies, the unexplained force holding the universe together, is much like the force that holds us, and other entities and objects together at an atomic level...? And, we, humans (and, I guess, other animals, etc.) are just tiny, tiny passengers. Invaders overtaking but a particle of that which makes up something much greater than we could ever comprehend. Maybe if this greater being took out his microscope and looked down upon us, he would see nothing more than a bacteria, a virus. And, he would do his best to eradicate us. Rid himself of that which invades his body and threatens his health, his life, his very existence. Or, hell, for all we know, our known universe and beyond could simply be that which makes up a mole on the ass of some superior, ultra-cosmic bottom feeder. But, even if life and the universe are just as we have observed and deduced and defined, it's still vast, and seemingly endless, and, so far as we know, we are all alone. How purposeless and insignificant are we..?


You may be thinking that I'm just talking out my ass. That I know nothing. That I'm crazy. That my ideas are absurd, maybe even childish in nature. But, you know what - that's just fine. Some of the greatest thinkers in history were thought to be crazy, hysterical even, met with much cynicism and skepticism. Sometimes, they were even wrong. But, where would the world be without them? Now, I'm not putting myself on the same level as any of history's great philosophers. Maybe no thought of mine will ever be considered of value or laudable, make it into the history books, and change the world. But, I use my mind, and think for myself. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself to what you have dedicated your mind today? Plus, how boring would life be without some sort of imagination. I mean, it's imagination that brought us TV, computers, football, that got us to the moon and made it possible to create satellites that have nearly traveled to the ends of our galaxy. Fascinating. 


I guess, the way I see it, if we never unravel the mystery of the origins of the universe or discover the true meaning of life, when my life is coming to an end, there will be a small part of me remaining that hopes that death is not the end, and the answers will be afforded me in an afterlife, and, moreover, I trust I'll be able to look back and say, as a passenger on this vessel, a tiny marble in the makeup of the universe - the Earth - traveling at unknown speeds through the ether, that I truly enjoyed the ride. And, if I die, and that's it. Then, I guess, who cares. I'm dead :)

Appreciation

It never ceases to amaze me how life can teach us lessons in the most unexpected of ways and afford us appreciation for things that seem to lie unused and unnoticed in the background until the time arises that we really need it.

Today, the bacon caught fire in the oven. [That's right. We cook our bacon in the oven. Get over it.] We've done this many times before, the same way it was attempted today. Except, this time, it decided to burst into flames as I opened the oven door. Now, it wasn't a big fire. But, it was bigger than any fire I've ever had to deal with inside my home. There was a brief second of slight panic due to the flames and billowing smoke. But, from the kitchen table I heard, "do you have a fire extinguisher?". Fortunately for us, we have THREE. Two of which are under the sink just next to the stove. I pulled one of them babies out, and, within seconds, no more fire.

Now, let me just point out two things that I was not aware of about in-home fires - One, it does not take long for a small fire to fill a two story home almost completely with smoke. I now understand why so many people die of smoke inhalation before the fire gets to them. It was FAST. The fire was only burning for maybe 15-20 seconds, then, some residual smoke after it was extinguished. But, it took every door and window being open and a fan pushing smoke out of an upstairs bedroom window to get the smoke out over a good 30 minutes to relieve the house of smoke. Two, fire extinguishers make a HUGE MESS! Don't get me wrong - many thanks and kudos to the inventor of the extinguisher. But, with just a quick squeeze and sweep, everything in the entire kitchen area was covered in the residue. We had to clean everything. But, oh well. No one was hurt. And, luckily, no damage to the oven...that I can tell.

So, what do we take from this? Well, for one, GO BUY A FIRE EXTINGUISHER FOR YOUR HOUSE, OR TWO...OR THREE! And, just because something (or maybe someone..?) has been sitting in the background, quiet and unobserved, doesn't mean that it does not have a place in your life. That we should lose our appreciation the unobtrusive - for those things that only seem to be there for when we need them. Just when you least expect it, you may need to reach for it or call for its help, and it may just be that which may save your life.

Parenting

I'm a dad! Six days ago, my first child was born. She's healthy. Beautiful. Strong! And, I can't help but to think that she's going to ahead of the curve in terms of her milestones. Also, I have a wonderful wife with whom to raise her - I couldn't be happier.

I'm new to being a parent, obviously. But, over the pregnancy months, I was constantly asking myself what it means to be a parent. I know that parenting isn't easy. It's not now, even when she's so young. And, it won't be easy as she grows. We all can only hope it becomes 'easier'. But, as I thought about being a parent, I narrowed it down to this one little saying that I want to share:

"[Do whatever it takes to] provide that which they 'need'. And, [do your best to] guide them well in the ways of 'want'".

Now, some people will say, "what about values, morals, etc?". Well, I think that is all summed up in 'want'. Let me explain - as you've seen, my blog is called "...I do what I want." This is how I live my life. And, I have a whole explanation behind this, but that will come in a later post. Every parent should give a child what they essentially need; that just goes without saying. Or, at least it should. When it comes to 'want', if you guide your child properly, they will 'want' to get good grades. They will 'want' to be polite and use manners. Later in life, they will [hopefully] want to make good decisions. If it's your daughter, she will hopefully 'want' to date, and maybe eventually marry a nice guy...or girl, not some douche bag asshole. Basically, when it comes down to it, when a person has what they need, the rest is a matter of what they want. 

So, I'm going to do whatever it takes to give my child what she needs. And, along the way, I'm going to do my best to guide her to, basically, want to be a good, decent, contributing member of society. For now, this is the plan simplified. I guess I'll have to see how it turns out...

Trapped in the Attic

I am my own captor; my prison is my mind. And, I seem to have lost the key...

This is me. I've been told that I think too much. And, I do. Maybe I'm making up for the first half of my life where I never thought about anything. I just accepted everything as it was given to me. I discovered in my mid- to late- teens that (surprisingly enough) this is not necessarily healthy for the mind. If a person is to grow, excel, achieve, her/his mind must develop. And, a mind cannot thrive if it does not question, ponder, hypothesize, speculate... Even a wealth of knowledge can only take you so far without opinion, contemplation, deliberation, reasoning. And, earlier in my life, I, honestly, was without. Sometimes I feel that my [unintentional] mental apathy put me behind the curve. But, now, I can't shut off my mind. I continually over think the most basic things. I often stray from the simplest thoughts, inevitably digressing to, at times, the origins of the universe and life (...weird right?).  And, sometimes, this leaves me fearful or morose, or, just down right sad. The utter realization that we are physically and conceptually small, and simply insignificant, in comparison to the vastness of the known universe and all that it contains, and the possibility that we exist as we are only for this finite, and I should add, short, span of life, then, nothing, is, well, frankly, depressing. But, then, I snap out of it. Life is, as I said, short. No point in wasting it thinking too much about it...

On a side note, I was reluctant to blog. But, in the last few years I have felt this propensity to write. Maybe not stories or poems, or even songs [unfortunately]. I think, just something to get my thoughts 'on paper'. Maybe I can put my mind at some ease if I have an outlet..? 

I encourage you (whomever 'you' may be...) to read along. I may not have been on this earth for long, but, in some ways, I believe I've come a long way already. I feel that I have something to offer - opinions to argue, words to guide, practical, youthful wisdom to give back to the world. And, I promise, most of my thoughts are far from that of a possible meaningless existence. So, come back. You may be surprised at what you read...